Oh dear!
If you're having constipation, buy Lactulose and drink 20-30mls two
to three times a day. Lau, for some peeps, Lactulose works very
fast so be sure you have quick and easy access to a toilet cubicle
when you're taking it! 
Ask the pharmacist where they keep their Lactulose.
Flatulence can be due to many reasons, the most common of which
would be diet. If you eat a lot of beans, lettuce, cabbages, etc.
be prepared to stay home instead of dating that sweet girl you're
so attracted to because the sweet girl might be blown off her
feet... and not in a good sense! 
If the bloated feeling is really bad, get Acidophillus, also
available in pharmacies like Guardian in pill / capsule form. You
can also get Lactobacillus Acidophillus in Yakult but you probably
have to drink a ton of Yakult to get the same amount that's in a
pill.
Erm... I wish you a fruitful time on your throne! Don't be too
noisy cause in the dead of the night, your neighbours can hear!
